Do You Hate Me Now ?

I was faking it! I was faking it! Which one do I fake more ?! Myself ? Or My Identity ?! Vashka banged herself on the head to a nearby gravestone. There is no Vashka Facade! There's only me! ... Noirael, both... male and female... I can't fake it! I can't be more cheerful than this! I lost precious things! Vashka is a fake! A mask to conceal us both! A facade! She cried and cried on that place, gasping for air... and... blood.

Vashka was never the cheerful type, however they saw it. Her leader, Ignicio wants it. She MUST be a mood maker , that's how she can only make friends. Noirael was faking it all and things started to crumble from within. Both he and she can't take more of it. Vashka is cheerful and easygoing... but not Noirael. She coughed in blood.

Your personality, Noir , is a problem.The more you fake yourself, the more you will lose your identity. When I found you last time, You were lost. I don't know what are you before... I know what are you now....

"M...Master Raphael... " she cried. " I love you... We... Love you so much! I may die for you, but... not now... I ... can't hold it. I can't be Vashka Facade! Vashka Facade is... not my female personality... but a fake mask I used to... make others happy. If... they know who I am... I will crumble once more! friendless, homeless, lost..."

"If I continued being Vashka, I will not be Noir." She murmured n a calm way, a way which Noirael speaks. She combed her hair, tring to get upi but failed badly. She was crumbling fast. Too fast...



***
OOC : Yay! I finally revealed a bit of Vashka's true side XD

Valora had been out for a walk, not feeling in the mood to be with other vampires of any kind, feeling the need to be alone

however, she headed towards to the graveyard after hearing someone screaming about something about not being who they really are.

just to see what happened, she came around the corner to see Vashka facade.
she seemed off...more natural though

what's wrong child?

she walked up to the girl, everything about her indifferent

Vashka sobs and sobs. She took a glance to the person speaking to her. A female, like herself, caring and loving her, asking her what's wrong of her. Her friend named Valora...

No! Don't come near! Don't see me like this or.. or... I don't know how to act yet!!!

Vashka backed off like a scared little animal. She was shivering from everything, her blood loss, her existence and even Valora. She sobs uncontrollably and hiccups a few times. Trying to find an escape route to this madness but failed miserably.

"N..Nothing ish wrong! " She shouted a bit. " Vashka ish fine.... very very fine..." She tried to hide her wound on her head. Her eyes is red and she looks very pale but she still tries to put a smile on her face, although even now, she even has problems on her own thought.

“No worries! “ She smiled and tried to run away as fast as possible. She was crying hard and was coughing blood in a sudden. She fell drastically and looked much worse than usual.

she raised an eyebrow and darted over to Vashka, going over to the wounded and terrified girl

you obviously are not okay, Vashka

she picked up the child, resting her on her hip. she could smell the blood easily, and could tell that she was in a very bad state.

though she remained indifferent on the outside, inside she was a little worried, and walked over to under a tree, and held Vashka close, knowing she'd need the warmth as she soothed the child in her arms, quietly humming a tune

part of being a Warrior of the Morgensterns means you've got to be able to calm anyone in any situation

so why don't you tell me what's wrong young miss?

Vashka glanced at Valora. She sobs uncontrollably and leaned on her. She know that it's useless to hide the fact.


"Vashka... don't know how to deal with this. Vashka ish confused... really really confused! " She mutters.

She then turned herself into her male form, it looks indifferent, just taller and has a lower voice. He too was sobbing but not as badly as the girl. he looked at Valora but didn't say nothing else. After a few minutes, he turned back into a girl and the girl cried once more,bursting into tears.

she stroked the girl's hair, noting how she turned into a male and then back again.

hush, it's okay. why don't you start from the beginning and take a deep breath before, so that you can calm down. i'm here to listen, i won't judge anything

Vashka sobs and took Valora's advice. She was planning to tell it all but too ashamed to look at the other girl's face. She turned around no looking at her.

" I'm no vampire.. you see. I'm a created, a lowlife loved by my previous master. I spend my first 100 years in a dungeon made by men and the rest at his house. He loves me for me, not me, but the Noir me. That person... ish similar to master Ignicio. He asked me to be a girl instead of Noir. But... this... " she clenches her fist.

" Is fake... It's not me... or the other female me... There's no Vashka... "She tried to hold her tears bitterly.

" Then I thought... Vashka is loved, but I'm not. I wanted to kill Vashka then... but... Vashka now ish confused. Which one am I ? Me ? The other me ? Noir ? I don't know... "

she sighed quietly, and continued to stroke the girl's hair

does it really matter? you're all of them....you're your own person with your own thoughts.....not one side of you is fake....just another aspect. you're Vashka and Noir....what's so bad about being both? i know someone else who's similar to you. he doesn't change gender, but, he has multiple personalities....they're all still him and not him. he still function like anyone else. also, so what if you were created by someone? we all were in one way or another.....you're really not that much different from others Little Miss.

she was reminded of the time she had taken care of the children of one of her mistresses, playing bodyguard/nanny for them and keeping them safe as they dragged her everywhere and cried on her shoulder occasionally

after hearing what Valora said, she felt better. Really better already.

So, even here, there's someone who accepts me. I have no more for testing things h, then. I know I am me, but I just wanted to make sure that.. me is me.

Vashka took Valora's hand off her head and nibbled her hand for a while. " No more stroking! I don't like that! "She smiled.

" I feel better already. You saved both me and Noir for now! Thank you~ " She leaned towards Valora's face , turned male for a second and kissed her in the cheek.

" A gift from me and Noir! I love you! " She exclaimed , while skipping through the graveyards.

" Do.. you hate me now ? " She blushed.

allows an increasingly rare smile

no......i don't Little Miss and Little Master. neither of you.

Vashka smiled and returned to her old self back. She thanked Valora for it.

" Hmm.. now that you know my secret ( not so secret) . How about a cake ? " She opened up her lunchbox filled with caramel coated cakes. " Noir made it for me! " She smiled.

makes a face

i'm sorry Little miss......but i've never been able to eat human food.....i'm allergic to the stuff

Vashka giggled and leaned on Valora.

" I found your weakness! " she smiled.

Yay! Finally Vashka finds what this strong girl weak about. she wasn't intending to use it againts her though. just very very curious about it.

"Whyyy ? " She smiled.

her eyebrow twitched. well..this girl wouldn't do anything with this knowledge.

i've no idea. i'm allergic to animal blood, human food, and any skind of substitute. can only take vampire blood or human blood. i'm also hyper sensitive to sunlight and light attacks. however, i'm faster, stronger, and have sharper senses than your ordinary pureblood. i'm trained to harness my strengths and use them in everything, weaknesses can be defended by strengths. however, with this, you can make your own person and be who you wanna be. all you need is a strong will. in some ways i have it, in others i don't. but the idea's still the same. with a will, and with determination, you can be whoever you want.

towards the end, Valora looked directly as vashka, hoping the Little Miss would get the message

Vashka just nodded in awe. not knowing a single word she just said. More nods, more nods, and she looked like seeing something very very very shiny.

" I don't get it... But I'm very very good at light magics! " She giggled.

" All the white house is very good at it! But then... " She paused. " I remembered that Master Raphael used that to summon sunlight in the middle of the night of that war , burning every vampire to crisps... including himself and... his comrades... very very sad..." She smiled a bit, looking pale.


" But we all survived! " She added cheerfully.

this raphael.....he was important to you i assume....

she reached out and hugged the girl again

just sayin'....if you want to cry or shout or just be anything other than cheerful, you can do that with me. i'm not going to judge. it's obvious you're hurt by what happened to this man. forcing yourself to smile is bad for you. you don't have to act with me.

Vashka leaned on her open hand. Feeling another warmth she desires most. The warm yet cold skin of a vampire but... the 'heart' is... warm.

" Master Raphael ? " She murmured as she was going to sleep. " Yes... very very important. I love him , everybody does. He loved me more that everybody else and that makes me.. very very special... He even give his daughter to me. I was... honored... " She smiled sweetly.

She curled in Valora's arm , trying to find the soft and cozy spot for her. " Cry ? Oh no... My cry is over when I found my master back. Master Ignicio , his soul was the same of master , so I have my master back, at least. Noir cried his tears out, far far worse than me. He's the one suffering. unable to be himself, and... unable to love anyone that deeply again. The Eliael are very very loyal! They stick to one's mate till forever, thing... " She smiled.

" It took me some time to realize it again... "


I was so egoistic again. I care for my needs and that's why, I even hated myself. I was wrong. Very very wrong....

even so...either side of you want to just let loose and stop acting, feel free to come find me...i'm usually in either the ballroom, stables or library. the artillery room doesn't hold that much appeal.

she kept her eyes closed and let the gilr fidget until she was comfortable

Vashka curled up like a ball. Love, she'd like to feel the warrmth she longed so much, traveled far to get and missed for years. It's not a long vampire year but just a simple human years. But Vashka and Noir always... always counted their years in human. They were once human, now, and then as well.

"Thank you... Thank you... Thank you... " That word was like a spell. A debt for those who pleased or maybe contented the little Vashka. Back in the old days, it means a lot. But now, just simple words of gratitude.